2015-10-06

Summertime Sadness

This summer I got sad.
I've been sad before; unfortunately it is really just a part of life. I think especially as you get older, the awareness of all the things that are worth being sad over can weigh you down. Maybe you thought growing up just meant no set bed time and Passion Flakies for breakfast (and lunch! and dinner!) but sometimes a lot of being grown up is hurting for the world, friends and family and also sadly, being hurt by the world, family and friends. 
But this summer I was sad for no real reason. 
I'm feeling much better now but the best way I can describe it is that on ok days I could paste a smile on my face to cover the fact that I literally felt empty from top to bottom, and on bad days it felt like I was not worthy of this life or that there was nothing in life worthy of being lived for. I don't know what was worse...
I know that sounds dramatic and when I write those words I cringe a little... But I. Just. Felt. So. Awful.
I told Matt, a best friend and my mom and we went to the doctor and we changed some things in my life to get things back on track. At first it was a relief to go through a day without feeling the deep sadness and over time, two good days in a row was reason to be thankful. Last week for the first time in three months I felt like myself again. I had been getting better for a while before that but for the first time in a while I finally felt like Jentine. Something went wrong (because yes, in addition to feeling like crap, this summer has been... um, very trying?) and I actually felt like I could handle it instead of wanting to disappear. 
I'm pretty sure it all started by just being burnt out. It's like Biggie Smalls said 'mo' money, mo' problems' except with a bigger shop, it's less money and mo' problems... Having the bigger shop is great in many ways but it is a beast behind the scenes trying to keep it filled with clean, wearable, fresh vintage constantly. The bills are higher, the stress is higher and honestly, sometimes it's not fun. And even though I've been honest about the struggle from the beginning, it is exhausting that so many people think you are living the dream when really you are just tired and broke and pissed. 
But tired and pissed off are feelings every person and/or entrepreneur feels; it was the anxiety that just crushed me. Suddenly I could not handle anything. I would stay up all night kicking my feet over issues that were either non issues, small issues or not even issues that were applicable to my life. I just wanted to hide in a hole and be alone for a year. I think if Breakfast Television had asked me to be on their show to promote my shop, I would have declined because the thought of doing anything public made me feel sick...
This is the part of the post where I start to sound like your grandmother but I also think a huge issue for me was feeling over-exposed. I remember when I started blogging people would just leave comments on your post and that was how communication was done in the blog world. And then one day I became a big girl and added a blog email address and that felt like such a big deal. 5 years later we're pretty much exposing every part of our lives and people are making good money off it so the temptation to share, share, share just becomes bigger and bigger. I counted the ways to get a hold of me this summer and it's a shocking thing to see it listed out in front of you. I have a personal email, a blog email, a shop email, a personal FB, a blog FB page, a shop FB page, a blog twitter, a shop twitter, a blog/personal Instagram, a shop Instagram, a shop flash sale Instagram, an etsy account where you can message me, my blog comment section and of course, I'm in the shop. And this is without adding those new fangled things like Periscope and Snapchat... I'm not super active on all those accounts but what I am active on, I give them my heart. I mean, even my stupid Etsy descriptions, if you are bored and need reading material, they are so Yen. So by the time I've updated my blog, posted on my Instagrams, written something stupid on Twitter, added a few things to Etsy and made conversation in the shop, I am just tired and done with sharing. I think social media has also given us a chance to get a glimpse into everyone else's life, which is a wonderful thing in many ways but this summer I just felt dizzy over all the voices and opinions that were clogging up my social media. And I want to be careful when I talk about this because if it had not been for my blog and for my social media I would never had had the chance to open a shop and I am the only one who controls the content I put out, but at one point I just felt so exhausted by it all. The old adage 'it's not you, it's me' rings true. It was all just too much and in my burn out, I just could not handle it at all. Currently all my Facebook and Twitter accounts sit inactive and ignored (well, I kept the Facebook messenger app for you alone Maria). It feels pretty good to be out of the loop;) I stalled on personal Insta all summer too because I just wanted to feel better without putting up some internet front and honestly, that felt good too. I'm still solidly superficial so I still want to share some outfits on Instagram but it's a good feeling to know I'm ok not sharing.
And so here we are. It's still a hard year and time in our lives in many ways but thankfully feeling much, much better. Drinking less caffeine. Going to bed on time. Having a much more strict weekly schedule. Saying 'no' a lot. Thanking God for His presence in my life. Grateful to Matt who was a superstar when I felt awful because it has not been an easy summer when your wife just wants to cry and do nothing every day. And yes, lastly, blogging a lot less.
The irony of course is me saying that I want to draw back from sharing my life so much and then I go and write one of my most personal posts yet. I mostly just want to say thank you. For reading all those years, for caring, for encouraging... I'm not saying I'm done blogging because I still feel like there are some serious posts in my heart and if I feel like I want to share them, it is nice to have a space but I do think my days as an outfit blogger are done. I'll still be sharing some outfits and little life snippets on my Instagram but right now I just need to focus on my faith, family, friends and fashion business. I know for some people blogs have become hostile places or a chore but I have always felt safe in this space and I have always enjoyed writing and posing in fun/chic/ridiculous outfits with wistful side glances. So, thank you, really, for caring...
Lastly... It's super awkward to write about feeling awful. Even now as I write about it, it feels so distant, like I am writing about someone else who had a rough summer. And I would love to just get past it and move on. But I think it's important to share about this kind of stuff. I never, ever thought I would ever, ever feel so low; especially for no 'real' reason. Sure, I have a small business that can sometimes be a thorn in my side but even Jay Z has 99 problems and I probably only have 67 and honestly, I have a very good life. In many ways I would even say that I 'have it all'. And yet, this summer, I felt like having it all was not enough of a reason to exist. And it took a while to get my feet back under me, but that very first tiny step to getting my life back was talking to Matt about how I felt...

If you ever feel like you lost yourself or can't find the joy anymore, please, talk to someone. People are listening...



62 comments :

Gina said...

You are brave to write this. And also smart, talented and creative. It's going to be ok, whether you blog or share or not. You have only yourself to answer to. :)

Anna said...

Thank you!!! Thank you for being honest and always authentic. I appreciate you candid blog posts, and always have. I have been feeling similarly but for completely different reasons and You just made me feel renewed. I love your blog and wish i knew you irl (someday! Ottawa calls!) so i could throw some cash down at youe place AND give you a giant hug! ❤

Anonymous said...

So surreal. My summer has been like this. I might have a few good hours a week. Feel guilty because I've got it good. Last night I seriously thought I was going die of a heart attack from sadness. Better today. I never felt like this in my life but it gradually came over me within the last few years. I thought it was hormones. Blah. Feel better! You are an artist that feels deeply. Peace!

Renay Piper said...

always have loved your blog, from the dutch to the canadian to the clothes to the attitude…and love it even more that you are staying true to yourself. good for you girl! you will never regret staying true to yourself and listening to your intuition. xo

Bonnie said...

My eyes filled with tears reading your post. Depression is awful and I've experienced it myself and in my family it is the worst feeling in the world. Your family was there, that is a blessing. Don't think a minute about this place. Just so glad to hear you are feeling better. Prayers and hugs.

Unknown said...

Thank you thank you for sharing this! I felt this way for the first time last summer and had no idea what was going on. Love this post. It took a lot of guts to share this. Please stay strong and so happy for you that you have chosen to do what is best for you♡

nancy said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling sad. I'm glad you talked to the important people in your life, and went to the doctor. It sounds like clinical depression to me, and perhaps your doctor has advised behavioral therapy or medication. I hope continue to feel better!

kelly said...

Thank you for sharing this. Many of us have felt this way. Being on the other side the awkward hard work of getting help totally worth it. So glad you are feeling better, and do what's best for you online and off.

Anonymous said...

you are such an amazing woman! thank you for sharing yourself with us, jentine, and i hope whatever you share with the world in the future fills you with excited joy. best of luck with your shop, and the continued healing of your heart.
peace,
eika

Amanda Farquharson said...

This makes my heart hurt for you, but I am also so glad you are coming through it. I have super rough periods, too... where I am not even sure if I am pretending happiness or if it's real happiness that is just costing me everything I have to maintain. Where the will to get up in the morning just isn't there and it feels like you are all alone... but it's true, if you reach out, other people understand and can help you. I think you are so brave for posting this and it makes me want to blog about my struggles, too. Also, I love the personal blog posts!

Jennifer said...

I have read your blog for a long time but never commented before. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your honesty in this post. Someone close to me deals with major depression and I know how hard it can be to talk about and deal with. I know I don't really know you, but I will be thinking of you and hoping you continue to do better. You will, you sound like such a strong person.

Bibliophiliac said...

Been missing your blog and insta this summer and hoping everything is okay! Thank you for sharing with us and keep taking good care of yourself! Xoxo

Feisty Harriet said...

Dang, lady! You are so brave to share all of this! One of my favorite posts of yours, for sure. Your vulnerability and realness are so compelling.

Also, I'm sure you've heard of this, but do you use HootSuite or something like that to manage your social media stuff? You can schedule out posts and tweets and whatever in advance, so take some time two or three times a week instead of every day? Dunno, it seems like small potatoes in all the other things going on in your life, but I also have two or three social media accounts (personal, blog 1, blog 2) and it has made a huge difference for me.

xox

Catherine said...

I love the line from Coalminer's Daughter... "Sometimes I feel like my life is running me". It takes a wise person to know when it's time for change.

Nic Ridley said...

Long time follower of you and will always be. Whenever or whatever you get back to sharing, I'm here supporting you. I understand depression and there's no judgment here. Good for you for taking a break and for doing what it takes to get back on track.

Reggie said...

You're so real, it's quite refreshing. Thanks for sharing this even though you weren't required to. It means a lot, which I know sounds strange coming from people you don't know. Praying for continued peace and contentment during this season of your life!

Stella said...

I'm very sorry to hear that you've been going through a difficult time. Wishing you the best!

Sheila said...

Hey, sweetie, so good to hear from you - you probably don't remember me at all, but I have been reading you pretty much from the beginning and have always thought you were the coolest ever.

It is a tough thing to "come out" about depression, and even harder to ask for help (it seems like we should be able to snap out of it but no). I'm really happy that you got some help and are feeling better. Know that this west coaster is thinking of you and sending good vibes. *hug*

PS - Anytime you write a post, I always read it. I like these big long ones, but they're all good.

Michelle Thiongane said...

I always like reading your posts. I enjoy your sense of style and cannot count the times I stole it. But what I like the most is how truthful you are. I am sorry for the hard times you had during this Summer. But I am glad to know that you are alright. Wishing you better days on your born day.

Michelle Thiongane said...

I always like reading your posts. I enjoy your sense of style and cannot count the times I stole it. But what I like the most is how truthful you are. I am sorry for the hard times you had during this Summer. But I am glad to know that you are alright. Wishing you better days on your born day.

Patrice said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better, Yen. Your fashion sense, wit, great writing, and good heart are why I've been reading your blog for years. When the blog went silent, I sensed something was wrong, so I was relieved when you'd post on Instagram occasionally. Thanks so much for sharing your struggle with us. I hope you're back to a place where you get joy out of putting together great outfits. If you ever need help sourcing vintage, I'd help you out for the fun of it. I find amazing things at estate sales for dirt cheap here in the Baltimore area, and I could funnel them your way. Wishing you happier times ahead and much success with your shop. Big hugs to you from a virtual friend.

Gwen said...

Dear Yen, I was so sorry to read about what you've been going through! It sounds like you have been burning the candle from both ends for quite some time, now. Having to put on a brave face in one's everyday life can be tiring, but feeling like you have to do that on all those social media accounts too, that must be exhausting. It sounds like you are definitely making the right choice in simplifying your life.

Of course I will miss your super stylish outfit posts and I am clearly not alone, but you have to do what is best for YOU. I am so glad you are getting help, and starting to mend a little. I wish you and Matt SO MUCH LUCK going forwards. You are so brave sharing your story here.

Cheering you on from across the pond! *waves fist*

Sara said...

You're a rockstar!

Anonymous said...

Bless you Yen, may His presence be ever close to you (and Matt), may you know His peace!

Linda said...

I am late in adding a comment,just catching up with my blog reading, but not too late to just say that your special gifts have been missed--and yet probably 99% of us, your readers of these past years, totally get what you are going through. Please take care of yourself. Blessings on your life journey. . .

Emily said...

Just saw this post! I love you chicka! And it's 100% okay to let go of something in order to help other things flourish. Anyway, didnt anyone tell you, insta is the new blog ;)

"Blog? what's that?" - our future kids*

xoxox keep up the good work.

Em

kate said...

Much, much love and prayers to you, my dear. I've been reading your blog for years and feel like I know. I wish you all the best in whatever life brings. <3

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your life and outfits,...many a day your new posts helped get me through some very difficult times,...thank you for helping,...God bless and keep you!

Lydia said...

Yen - thank you for this post. So glad to hear you're feeling more like yourself and that you're so well-supported. I've been following your blog for about 5 years now, and have appreciated your humour, honesty and, of course, fashion sense. Thank you for sharing your presence on the internet! We missed you here - and I'm happy to hear you're setting up boundaries for the social medias - you rock!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing. Sharing helps people. Lots of people (myself included) feel like we are the only ones suffering when going through something difficult. If people open up and share more it helps us all realize that we are all human, and part of life sometimes is being sad. And that's ok. And that's normal. We are not robots. I'm sorry that you had a hard summer. The fact that you opened up and put this on your blog will help those readers who feel weird for feeling sad for no reason. And its not weird, its totally normal. You are awesome!

Emma Henterly said...

I tend to lurk around these parts, but I just wanted to say that you're not alone in feeling this way. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for the last 15 years or so, and frankly parts of your post read, almost verbatim, like pages from my personal diary. Don't ever feel bad about feeling bad. Don't ever feel bad about feeling ANYTHING. However you feel is okay. Glad to hear that you're getting the help you need and taking steps to protect yourself. Take it one day, or one hour, or one breath at a time. You can do it :)

Anonymous said...

Have always enjoyed reading your posts,Jentine. That said, I often wondered how you could keep it all 'together'. So glad you shared with loved ones-- and that they were able to help you towards help. Above all, I wish you God's care and strength every day anew. As a P.S. I have noted that numerous popular (like you ;))bloggers have indicated that they are stepping back from posting as regularly...and for exactly the same reasons. Sterkte!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing your struggle. I suffer from anxiety and depression and understand and have compassion for what you have experienced. I know that sharing your story will save some people. So much of what you wrote resonated with me and my journey. Your ability to articulate how you feel is so helpful. It helps those who are struggling realize they are not alone and that there are others who are experiencing the same feelings. I had to drop out for awhile. A lot of friends and family did not understand, but I had to save myself. I'm thankful I had a friend who recognized I was in trouble and led me to a therapist who could help. I am glad you have a good support system. Always stay true to yourself. It doesn't matter what the world says we should do or be. We have to listen to our gut and what it is telling us. I wish I would've learned sooner that it was ok to say "No" and "I can't do all of this anymore". Letting go of trying to do it all has been so freeing. May you continue to feel healthy and enjoy what is truly important to you.

Brenna said...

Thank you for sharing this honest and personal post. I've been a reader for years and wondered what kept you silent the past few months. It's so important to take the time to heal and see what happens next.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing--that can't be easy.

I'm not particularly interested in style or fashion, things that look great on you would never work on me (you're much taller than I am), but I've always loved your blog anyway. It's your attitude, humor, and honesty that made me always enjoy reading your posts. I love how you mix fashion updates with your craftiness and gardening and cats.

Anyway, I was worried about you this summer when the social media went quiet, which sounds crazy, but I'm sorry to hear that you were depressed. Just know that good wishes are coming your way from all over the world.

I hope things get and stay better.

Hannah McAll said...

Hi Yen, I’ve been following your blog for a long time and I don’t think I’ve ever commented before. This post is so personal and you are so brave for sharing it with us. I’ll miss your fabulous outfit posts (I think you are one of my biggest fashion inspirations!) but working on your health and happiness is a zillion times more important than sharing a few outfits. Hopefully one day I'll make it all the way to Hamilton from Australia so I can visit your amazing store and spend all my money on sequined dresses and fur coats.

Good luck! I’ll be thinking of you and sending you all the most positive vibes I can xxx

Anonymous said...

Sadness is such a terrible beast. It's like existing outside of your own body. I cannot tell you enough how much I needed to know that someone like you, someone like me...someone like us, could be going through this too and that my emotions are not extraordinary. This is something that so many people struggle with. I hope that makes sense. I thank you so much for sharing. I haven't talked to anyone about my sadness for fear of frightening them so I find simply typing this out to be comforting.

All the best to you
Thank you!

Katrina said...

You are brave and wonderful. I will miss your posts but wish you so much peace and happiness in your life. I know you will get back to a place of feeling grounded and yourself again.

Leah Williams said...

I want to send a long overdo thank you for your blog, which I've enjoyed so much despite being fashion challenged and shopping phobic. Your humor has made me laugh on stressful days, and your honesty inspires me. In fact, I nominated you for a versatile blogger award a long time ago (http://carygrantwonteatyou.com/versatile-blogger-award/) but never informed you:) I'm glad for your sake you're taking a break from the overexposure, but I will miss your distinctive voice, and am grateful for all the days I got to experience it. Thank you.

Kelly said...

This is an awesome post and I LOVE your outfits. I had an eating disorder for ages and I didn't get better until I talked to someone about it. I love that you bookend your post with a solution. What held me back was thinking that asking for help was a weakness when it's an incredible strength. Hope you've had a better autumn and keep up the great work on and off line. :)

Anonymous said...

I've been where you are and believe me, even though it doesn't feel like it, it does get better. And you are taking all the right steps you need to take to get through this and out the other side. Just remember you have a great support system that love you and want to help anyway they can. Take care and all the best.

Eva said...

Sorry it has been a sad summer :( I love your posts and I especially love this post. It is real. And it mirrors what I have felt and probably will feel again from time to time.

I don't really ever (like count-on-one-hand kind of ever) post on blogs. Here's the exception - I just wanted to say that I think you rock and hope life is happier! Keep your chin up. We're cheering you on.

Dawn said...

Yen - You've given me the confidence to wear sequins and not care what anyone thinks of it. I've enjoyed your blog long beyond many others that I've followed -and i think it's largely due to your honesty, sincerity and humor. Thank you for sharing your life and fashion. Hope one day to make it to your shop. In the meantime - I wish nothing but happiness for you. Will miss the regular posts but hope you will be well. You will. You're just too awesome to be
otherwise. Internet hugs.

Destrehan's Daughter said...

You never need a reason to feel lost, just a reason to look for a way out. I'm glad you found it. If you never blog again, know that I've enjoyed the outfits and personal snippets you shared. Do what's right for you and never apologize.

We met once at the blogging conference in Texas, and you were so sweet. You made a big impression of kindness in that quick meeting, so this is me sending that warmth back to you. I remember you said you liked my outfit, especially my shoes. Funny enough, I had picked those shoes to go with my dress thinking about how it reminded me of one your awesome combinations. Your probably have forgotten the comment made that day, but I won't. Thank you for being so kind and nice and Jentine!

Jessica said...

I've loved reading your blog updates. Your personal style inspired me to take more fashion risks and led me to more thrifting, which has brought me some of my favorite, most interesting fashion pieces. Your sense of humour and personality was a big part of what kept bringing me back to your blog and instagram. But I can fully appreciate how draining it can be to be so open and public with social media. I commend you for recognizing what works and doesn't work in your life, and moving forward unapologetically. I think, especially as women, there is pressure to always feel "on", to do things for others instead of ourselves, and seek approval in doing these things, but this is not the healthiest way to operate. Good luck on your journey to feeling healthier, and on your business goals. I will continue to look forward to visiting your shop, and reading whatever social media updates, however few or many, you choose to put out there!

Audrey @ Putting Me Together said...

Yen, I'm a month late to this, but I couldn't read you pour out your heart and not at least say hi.

I've followed your blog for over 4 years though I've barely ever commented. I have always loved and admired your witty writing, your hardworking attitude, and your ability to be yourself. I know it's been a month since you've written this so I don't know what the update is, but I'm so sorry for how you've been feeling. I hope that God is filling you with His presence more and more each day, and that you're being re-grounded in the things, places, and people that make you really YOU.

And if/when you ever come back to this space, there will be people here waiting for you and cheering you on! For now I'll catch you on Insta. ;)

Mimsie said...

I've followed your blog for years. Love both your writing style and fashion style. I obviously have no idea what your personal life is like. Can I just suggest without being creepy or impertinent that maybe it is time to take a totally different direction in your life? Possibly sell the shop to take away the stress of being in small business? Think about having a family? I know I am probably stepping over the line there, but time has a way of getting away from us and it's good to take a hard look at life's priorities from time to time. Wishing you health and happiness and hope you keep blogging from time to time.

Barbara Pilcher said...

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. As always, your candor and wit, even when writing about such private difficulties, shows what a special person you are. Give yourself time. Let the people who love you and your faith help restore your health. Eat well, meditate,and use Buffer to schedule tweets.

HDF said...

You such a well talented Hot Drop Fashion

Allison said...

I have read you blog for years and have loved how genuine it was. Your humor always made my day. Thank you so much for the lovely blog posts and thank you for taking care of yourself first and foremost. That is the greatest example you could give to others.

Anonymous said...

Same summer, different reasons, same slow road to improvement. God is good. Thanks for sharing and all the best! Takes courage to be open and step back, too, to protect the important things.

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Summer said...

Yen, somehow I'm just seeing this, but as long-time reader/lurker and occasional etsy shopper of yours, I just wanted to say how brave you are to share this, and to talk to people about how you were feeling. I went through a period of anxiety and depression years ago, and you have described the feelings so exactly. It took me a long time to put my feelings into words to anyone, but when I did it was, as you say, the first step. And then when I heard someone else describe what I was going through, because they had been there too, it was such an incredible relief. So I have no doubt that by sharing this you are helping someone else out there. I know I don't actually know you, but I've always felt like if I did, we'd be friends (I do love your etsy write-ups!), so please just know that you are in my thoughts and that you are not alone. And your virtual community supports and cares about you, even if you choose to disappear from social media altogether! Sending you light.

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